Not So Lost In America
by mydoctortennant
Summary: Basically a rewrite of what could have happened in Lost In America had Neela not said what she did, majorily REELA, and probably some LUBY too.
1. Prologue

**A/N: Hello gentle viewers, this is my first ever Reela, or ER actually, fanfiction, I'm normally a Robin Hood (BBC, 2006) and Doctor Who author, but after getting quite worked up over Reela, and reading through the first 6 pages of ER Reela fics here, I had to try my own. I hope you like it and please tell me what you think in honest truth!**

**Disclaimer: Unfortunately I don't know ER, if I did we would've had Roomies by now, and I would be a happy bunny.**

I don't understand why I was stood here, why I couldn't move from the spot I was stood on beneath the windows of our apartment. I could vaguely see a silent shadow milling about in the kitchen, what was Ray Barnett doing in the kitchen? I couldn't face him, even though I had told Dubenko that I just wanted to go home and spend time with my roommate, I hadn't yet done that. All the way home on the El, I had all these thoughts running through my head, and it didn't make sense, it did, but didn't.

I didn't understand how I could be in love with more than one person, maybe I was being stupid. Maybe I had fallen out of love and fallen in love again. Or maybe I was just being stupid; maybe I was just being lonely.

This was pathetic really, my husband was off fighting in Iraq, I'm a married women yet I'm living like a student with a guy who spends his time with a constant string of groupie one night stands.

Maybe that was my problem, he didn't have anybody, yet everybody at the same time, and who did I have? Abby? Ray? That was it. Would it be wrong to admit I was jealous? Not of the fact that he had people to sleep with, but the fact he actually had people lining up to do so. All I had on that front was Michael, and he wasn't even here. He had left me after our honeymoon to put himself in constant danger, and left me to find us a house, and truth be known, I didn't want to. I wanted to stay where I was; I wanted to stay with Ray.

But I can't.

I can't stay with him, not now, not after what I realised this evening. I had turned down Dubenko's offer to spend time with him, extra time, and that was wrong, very wrong. I feel now like I'm betraying Michael, but am I really? How do I know he's not off doing exactly the same thing with a woman out in Iraq? How do I know that? Michael is too good a person to do that.

What am I even talking about; nothing has happen with me and Ray, not yet, not ever! Why would I even ever think not yet? Nothing was ever going to happen with Ray, it couldn't, so wouldn't, not matter how my heart was telling me right now that was what it wanted. _Okay so where the hell did that come from?_ I have to keep telling myself that. But I can't help but feel something is there, after this morning, we had just stared at each other for a few seconds, nothing else, just looking, but I fear if I had looked at him much longer I would not be able to help myself.

This is just stupid, there is no way that Ray would even consider the boring, safe, reliable me. What was I to him apart from somebody to share the rent with? Instead of paying out $1000 a month he was paying $500. I suppose it was the same for me, I needed it back then. Now I need out, before I really, do, do something I regret.

My brain was set now, it was now or never.


	2. Stir Fry and All Nighters

**Woop, chapter two. I think it was a good place to end it really. What can I say about this chapter apart from I find writing Neela fun to do, especially cause I get to write her thoughts. Please tell me what you think. And Please, its 1:17 am, I had work tonight, this comes in un-beta-ed by Bob, and will probably be edited and updated tomorrow with editations, but I'm happy with it how it is. **

**Spoilers: Lost In America**

**Warning: None**

**Disclaimer: If it was mine, do you honestly thin Gates would exist?**

As I climbed up the staircase my mind started reeling again, I can't think why, I had made my mind up just now. _Hadn't I?_ Of course I had, I was telling Ray I had to go, otherwise what else would I do? I was already falling for the one man I thought I wouldn't, and it had to be stopped, before anything else happened.

But once those seeds of doubt are planted, they're like bloody oak trees to get rid of. You have to hack at them for weeks and you still have to dig out the roots. All in all it takes a few years to get rid!

I keep saying about them, but what are they? That's quite simple. What if he never speaks to me again? What if he takes it so personally he kicks me out right now? What if it comes down to asking why, what do I say? Would he see what I mean if I just say: We both know why? Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't, maybe he would just lose it all together at me. _Oh God_. No matter how much I try and tell myself I don't love him, if I lose him I would lose everything, he's the best friend I've ever had, even over Abby, she's great, but she just not Ray.

I keep trying to tell myself, he's just my best friend, these feeling for him I'm well feeling, are just those of strong friendship, I think if I keep telling myself that, then I might start to believe it, but I've been trying that for 6 months and as of yet, well no such luck.

I fumbled in my pocket to find my keys, opening the door with ease, this wasn't going to be easy, but I knew I had to do it now. Opening the door was the easy part, what I found before me made what I had to say, a hell of a lot harder to say! As I enter our apartment the gorgeous smell of Ray's cooking filled my nose, great, I'm coming home and telling him I'm leaving and he's cooked for me, that makes me feel so rotten.

"Hey," I hear him call as he turns his back on the cooker to face me, "How was it?" what can I say but the truth? Well the truth would hurt, all I had thought about all day was this morning.

_How could I have lost my laser pointer? I had it not five minutes ago. I heard his door open and could see him wearing his socks, weird man, he was approaching where I was sat. AH HA! Found it, I pressed the button just to check it was still working, knowing my luck it wouldn't work now and it does take AA batteries either, its those annoyingly expensive watch batteries._

"_Don't shoot!" I hear him laugh comically, tired but still joking, he really was weird, but he was Ray, loving, caring, _roommate,_ Ray. I looked up from where my head had been under the coffee table, I shocked myself at the mess I had made over the last hours of night._

"_Sorry," I uttered, my throat feeling raw, it hurt so much, _Oh holy jesus he's not actually wearing anything,_ well he was, he was wearing boxers and socks, did he not tell me before I moved in, or a little after I did he liked to sleep in the nude when he didn't have a roommate? I guess that was as close as it came, or maybe he did, maybe he just stuck he's underwear on before he came out, damn him,_ NEELA! Concentrate._ Shaking my head slightly I focused myself, "Did I wake you?" he didn't reply so I just continued to talk, ramble more like, "I couldn't find my laser pen, so I had to root around a bit," _just don't look at him Neela, you'll be fine. Ah crap._ He'd picked up the cereal box I had empty some when in the course of the night. "Yes I ate all your cereal at 4am, and left none for you, I'm a terrible roommate"_

_He discarded the box and watched me as I tidied. It was off putting, I was trying to tidy and ignore him, but his eyes seemed to burn into my head. "It's gunna be fine." He said simply._

"_You know I've known about this trauma conference for two months and the fact that I'm this unprepared two hours before is quite unsettling." I was rooting about for something else now, what exactly I didn't know._

"_Well you don't want to over rehearse your speech you should just wing it. Keep it fresh." He was flicking through some of my material research, what was it about the casual gesture that really repulsed me, no not repulsed made me want to shout and scream._

"_Wing it?!" I threw my arms up, he was so annoying at times, yet still only wearing boxers and socks. Should I be attracted or repulsed or just annoyed? "This isn't open-mic night you know!" At that exact moment my knee came into contact with one of my piles, which bashed into my coffee cup which spilt a little too close to my laptop with all my night's work on it. "Ah crap!"_

_Ray had gathered up a t-shirt to help clear it up, a grey old t-shirt, bless him, _Neela! Ray, Roomie Ray!_ "You know I'm blaming this on you!"_

"_Me?!" He actually sounded shocked, he knew it was his fault._

"_If you hadn't made me watch every horror film from the 1970s I might have actually got some work done." We were both dabbing frantically at the coffee puddle which was creeping towards my laptop, Ray noticed this and got it before it reached it._

"_Hey, not every horror film, just the devil ones." Why was he so calm about this? How could he be so calm about this? It's just not natural, I stand my point, this man is weird! No wait, he's Ray! That explains all._

"_You're a bad influence!"_

"_Awh, thank you." He sounded hurt, damn right he's a bad influence, he might pout at me, and pretend otherwise, but he is. "Hey, come here, you got a little… on your…" I turned to him and he used that same t-shirt to wipe whatever it was from my collar. Why had he even noticed that? Why was he even looking?_

_He may have been looking, too, closely at me, but I managed not to look at him at all. I knew what would happen if I did, and I couldn't risk it, I'm married. Yes my husband isn't here, yes he went back to war a few weeks after we married, but he's saving peoples lives out there. What am I doing? Falling for my Roomie? _No! _I wasn't, I was in love with Michael, wasn't I? He sure as hell showed me he loved me, oh so very much._

"_I haven't pulled an all-nighter since," I had to think about it, he really was a bad influence, "Ever, I've never pulled an all-nighter!"_

"_It's good for a person now and then." He was still cleaning my shirt, and I was still skirting around his eyes, never looking into them._

"_Well not for me, I'm used to being in control of these situations." _What situation? _I found myself thinking, was it the fact I hadn't prepared my speech or that fact the reason I hadn't is because I'd been spending time with Ray? More time than I should have._

"_What situation?" Oh, he had to ask it didn't he? _Make something up brain!

"_I'm usually so organised." Oh great one brain. Bad excuses are us. I did it then, he was looking at me so intently, I knew he could read me like a book, he knew when I was lying, even if I didn't want to admit to it, he could. _

_What I had feared happened, we stood there, a good five seconds, five seconds which lasted a bloody life time. To me it seemed at least a minute, but his eyes were gorgeous, hazel/green, what was not to like? _Michael!_ I found myself thinking, reminding myself where my loyalties lie. _

_A car horn blared outside the apartment; I blinked and looked away from him. "Dubenko's gunna kill me, if I'm late!" _Another great excuse brain, thanks._ Ray knew as well as I did Dubenko wouldn't care if I was late initially, as long as I made in time for my speech._

_Was it just me, or did the glimpse I saw or Ray's face before I turned away look hurt?_

"_Well, uh, don't worry about the cereal." I slammed the door behind me, not really hearing what he had said. Stopping, letting out a breath I hadn't known I was holding, and leant back against the door. How did this happen?_

As I shut the door I gave Ray his answer, "Endless." Thrusting my bags down onto the floor by the side table.

"Well, I'm making a stir-fry, beer or wine?"

"Neither." I approached him to take a peek at what he was cooking, it smelt so good. "I'm exhausted, and already drunk." I admitted, yeah, maybe I had had a little too much todrink already that day.

"Alright, here, taste this. Freshwater Chestnut." He raised the wooden spatula to my lips for me to eat, why did he always know how to make me feel better? I had had a rotten day, he was already cooking and letting me be taste tester. _Neela its Ray, remember?_ Right. I ate wat he offeed, it tasted so good. "Crazy huh?" I laughed at little at this, he was trying to make me feel better, it was sweet. _Ray!_ "Nothing grew in cans."

He started streaming off something about The Omen, I don't recall what, I was watching him, trying to compose myself for what I was about to say.

"Ray…"

"It's better than The Exorcist, I swear, it's a classic."

"Well that what you said about the Exorcist."

"True, but…"

"Ray." Okay it was now or never, he turned his head towards me slightly, still working at the stir-fry.

"I know, you're tired." _No Ray, not that!_

"Ray." I'd said his name three times now and he was still going on about a bloody movie!

"Okay, look, I know you don't like devil movies, but it's the last one. I promise."

Oh I give up, "I think, I should move out."

That look, that one on his face right now, that was why I didn't want to do this, he looked so hurt, so lost, forlorn. "Why?" He always knows the right questions to ask doesn't he? This morning it had been _'What Situations?'_ now it was '_Why?__' _

"I think we both know why."

**Please review, it makes me happy, plus feedback is always good, and Constructive Criticisms can only make one improve.**


	3. Realisation and Needing

**A/N: Chapter three, woop, I know I didn't update, but I have up to half way through chapter five written, a song fic, and another Reela fic underway, I had a power cut yesterday okay! I had nothing better to do! Um, Ray's reaction, and Neela running away to Abby, like usual :) From now is my story, no more taking it from what they have written, this is my brain and what **_**should**_** have happened.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it, like most of you; if I did they would be together!**

Why wouldn't he move, why wouldn't he say something? All he did was look at me, shocked, stunned, nothing I could say or do made him respond. If I hadn't just dropped a bombshell on him I would be frantically doing 'Doctor Things'.

He was starting to scare me now.

"Ray?!" I called, no yelled, just trying to make him say something. "Ray! Please say something!"

"Neela, I-" He stopped, what could he say? Nothing he could say would make me stay; neither would anything he could say make me want to go. That was the thing, I didn't want to go anywhere. I needed to go. I was getting too close and before long it would all end badly. Michael would return and I would go live with him, not Ray. But I didn't want that. I didn't want to leave Ray, I loved living here, and I loved him.

And that was why I had to go.

"Why now?" There was a question, why now? I hadn't thought about that one. He really was one for asking those questions.

"Ray, please, I have to."

"No, you don't, if you had to you would have moved out before. When you got married! But you didn't, you stayed, what does that mean to you Neela? Because to me it means a hell of a lot."

"I never said I wanted to!" _Why did I just say that?_ "I need to Ray! I do have to!"

"You didn't answer my question." Tears threatened to fall from both of us, I could not believe I was doing this to him; I was hurting him so much, and acting like I didn't care. But I did, so much more than I could ever let him know.

"It means the world to me, you let me stay here as long as you did. But please, Ray, you need to understand, I can't stay here, not now."

"What has changed since you got married Neela? You never moved out then, so why are you leaving now?" He wasn't going to drop it was he? He had a point, I know he did, but what could I say that wouldn't completely shatter the friendship we had built?

"Everything Ray! You know as well as I do what happened this morning can't happen again."

"And what was that Neela?" So that was it, he wanted me to admit I was falling in love with him, that would be the only thing that would make him let me go.

"I avoided looking at you, as much as I could, and you know why?" I kept talking, not allowing him to answer, "Because if I looked into your eyes Ray, I know that I would betray my husband!"

Silence. Nothing, not even our breathing could be heard. Was I even breathing? I was so worked up I didn't even know. _Concentrate, in, out, in, out._

"Neela, I, I'm sorry."

"What for? What have you done?" It was true though, what had he done? This was all me, and I was being a bitch to him, I couldn't help it, It was blame him, or myself, and I would never admit I was wrong, even though deep down I knew I was.

"I shouldn't have shouted, I'm sorry, but, what?" Ray looked so confused, and he looked so adorable when he did.

"I shouldn't have said that."

"Oh, then why did you?"

"Because it's true, but I still should not have said it."

"What can you say if not the truth?" He raised his hand to my cheek, trying to be comforting, but I was enjoying his touch too much for that.

"Ray, I," I paused, no, I can't, "I have to go, I'm sorry." I pulled away and briskly walked to my room, slamming the door behind me for the second time that day. And once again I leant against it. But this time I slid down it, tears all falling down my face.

"Neela!" he called after me, he followed me I could tell. "Neela come on! Come out, we need to talk about this!"

"No! We don't!" I shouted back through the door, through my tears, my voice caught in my throat he would know I was crying.

"Neela? Neela!?"

"Just leave me alone Ray!" I called back, bringing my knees to my chest and hugging them tight. I didn't hear Ray move, he didn't speak either. What was he planning on doing standing there all night?

Once I was sure Ray wasn't going to walk in, I crawled into my bed, and as soon as my head hit the pillow, I was out, like a light.

I awoke about an hour later, my pillow sopping, I had been crying in my sleep. It didn't surprise me, but even so, it felt a little gross. My throat hurt, like there were a thousand razors digging it. But that wasn't it. It was the thousand words that were left unsaid between me and Ray.

I needed a drink, so I climbed from my bed and made my way to the door, opening it without a thought, Ray would be asleep.

He was, but not where I thought he would be, he was leant against the wall by my door, head drooped, breathing softly. My breath hitched in my throat, seeing him sat there like that, asleep, how long would he spend waiting for me? How long had he been asleep for if I had only been out for an hour?

"Ray?" I uttered softly, he couldn't stay there, no matter what was going on right now, I couldn't let him wake up with back pain to go to work later. He let out the familiar grunt he normally did when he was woken up, I tapped him with my foot and called his name again.

"Huh? What?" he mumbled as he stirred from his slumber. He looked up at me, slightly confused. "What am I doing here?"

"You tell me." I said walking to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

Ray was pinching the bridge of his nose when I came back out, heading back towards him, two glasses of water in my hands. "Here, drink this, never know might help."

"But I don't recall drinking anything alcoholic."

"You didn't, I don't think, since slamming the door in your face I dunno what you did, but that was only an hour ago, and there are no empty bottles about." Ray laughed slightly, I felt horrid, I knew why he was sat by my door, yet I did nothing. Nothing at all to help him, to sooth his pain. But we both had it, that's biting feeling inside. This was wrong I shouldn't be leaving him.

"I do remember what you said Neela, and I remember what I said, and I'm sorry."

"What did you say that wasn't the truth Ray? I'm the one that should be sorry. You were right, if I had move out I would have done so before I got married if not just after, but I didn't. I didn't because he left me Ray, we were looking for a place to move to, then he left me! I didn't want to leave you then, but now? Now it's just awkward, I can't stay here."

"Neela you can, We'll work opposite shifts, we needn't see each other for days on end." Ray stood pleading with all his might, just trying to make me stay. "Neela please! I need you!"

"No Ray, you don't. You think you do, because you don't have your band, you don't have your act to work with when I'm around, when I'm gone, you can put that back up, you won't be lonely you know that!" I bowed my head in shame, "I'm sorry, that was uncalled for."

"Yeah," he paused slightly trying to formulate his argument, I could tell he was by the way he looked over my shoulder, just past me, not at me, past me, like I wasn't there, he would next blink look me in the eye and state his side of the argument. Why did I know that? "I used to have those things." He looked me in the eye, as predictable as he was. "I used to, but I don't anymore. Do you know why they kicked me out of the band?"

"Because you were too concentrated on being a doctor to think about the band all the time." I merely stared as if it was a matter of fact, I didn't question that fact ever, but now I realise I should have all along.

"No, Neela, not that. Partly, but not wholly. They kicked me out, mainly, because of you."

My chin dropped, I swear it would have been scraping the floor, "What?"

"You. They told me, that they thought I spent too much time with you instead of rehearsing, and they made me realise something, it was true. I put off going to practise if I could be spending time with you, if we had been on the same shift, I would want to be with you when we were home. I blew off my 'friends' for my Roomie."

My jaw wouldn't move. It was true. "What are you trying to tell me Ray?"

"That you're not my Roomie Neela; you're far more than that!" What was I if I wasn't a Roomie? I didn't understand, or that was what I told myself, I knew exactly what he was telling me.

"Ray, please, don't do this."

"Don't do what? What you're incapable of doing? Telling the truth!"

"Don't you dare raise your voice at me!" How hypocritical, there I was telling him not to raise his voice, yelling right back at him.

"You're one to talk; you're husband left you Neela! He knows he might never comeback! And what do you do? You mope about with me, because you have nobody else! You go to these stupid meetings with women 'in the same boat'. All to try and make yourself feel better and you know what? I've changed my mind. Go. I won't be the person you use when you fuck up! I want to be there for you Neela, but not as a rebound guy! I freaking love you! And it hurts for you to use me like this!"

He walked away and slammed his door, I didn't know it until I choked my tears back, but during his rant at me, I had started crying, all his said was the truth, and didn't I just know it. It seemed in that moment, my heart sank.

The thing was, he was right. But he was wrong about one thing, him, he wasn't the rebound guy. Michael was the safe choice; he had somewhat forced marriage on me like vegetables on a toddler. I still really don't know why I said yes; maybe I was running from my true feelings, if I married Michael I wouldn't have to admit them. But now I suppose I had blown it all together, I was married, Ray seemingly hated me. I needed Abby, and I needed her now.

**Thanks for reading, if you like/love/hate it please tell me, I want to know what you think.**

**- Jen**


	4. Abby and Speechs

**Good Evening, thanks for the positive feedback on Chapter 3, and YOUPIN thanks for reviewing all the way through it means a lot. This chapter? Hmm, Abby, Abby's thoughts on the matter, aka my thoughts on the matter, I had to let it all out some where, so Abby gets a 300 word speech… Enjoy!**

I was standing at Luka's door, knocking on it as hard as I could without waking every living soul, after all it was pretty late, or early whichever way you look at it, and I didn't fancy people, more people, having it out with me tonight.

_Come on Abby, open up!_ I knew that this was probably wrong of me, she was pregnant and in need of sleep but I needed her right now. I needed her apartment and soon.

"Alright already!" I heard her bark at me, I knew it was a bad idea, wake Abby and she loathes you for a month. When the door opened it seemed her attitude changed instantly. "Neela? What's the matter?" My heart was still at the bottom of the chasm it had dug for itself. Was it that obvious I had been crying? "Come on in."

I was lucky in a way that I knew Luka was working the Graveyard Shift. It meant I was free to pester Abby without him breathing down my back about her being in no fit state to be sleep deprived or whatever, however sweet it was, I needed her. How selfish was I feeling right now? Extremely, I couldn't help it, Ray managed to drag this side of me out whenever he did something I didn't like. Like when I spent my evening listening to The Fray and him 'having a sleepover' with some Groupie, I just wanted to lock Ray up away from everybody else, mine and mine alone, I was feeling that selfish right now.

"I'm sorry to wake you Abby, but I need a favour."

"What's he done?" Why was it Abby knew everything. I didn't mention anything, just a favour, maybe it was my tear stained cheeks that hinted, but I could cry about anything. Maybe Abby just knew me too well. Why was she always right?

"Nothing, but I just need to use your apartment a week two at most before I can find somewhere else." Okay, so moving out was an obvious hint he'd done something, but I wasn't quite wiling to share. I needed to stay calm, collected; I needed to stay 'Neela'.

"I'll say it again, what has he done?" She was persistent I'll give her that.

I had spent the next half and hour talking about everything, recalling the entire night, word for word, action for action, thought to thought, everything. I knew in the end she'd get it out of me anyway, so there was no point in denying her of it.

"He told you he loved you?" She enquired, I couldn't help but notice her 'I told you so' tone and the shine in her eye, the one she got when she was happy and proven right. Now I couldn't decide which it was.

"'I 'freaking' love you!' Was what he said."

"Then why are you here?"

"Abby I'm married and I can't stay with a guy who loves me, it's just not right, I can't feed his feelings for me-"

"Don't you mean you're feelings for him?" She looked at me in a 'need to know' way. She wouldn't say a word to anybody, I knew that, but I wasn't ready to admit I was wrong in marrying Michael. I married him for the wrong reasons, to escape. Escape the feelings I was having for a certain punk rocker who I was the roommate of.

Abby looked at me, "I loved Michael, I really did but I-"

"Was never _in_ love with him?" She finished for me, I looked at her, with more intensity that I have ever looked at her, I was lost, well and truly.

"Abby I don't know what to do!"

"I still don't see why you're here, if you're not, and never were, in love with Michael, why aren't you telling this to a certain Doctor we both work with?"

"Because Michael still exists! He's still living in this world, he might not be here, but he's in here," I put my hand over my heart, tears freely falling down my cheeks. "The man I'm married to is still out there Abby, and no matter how my feelings may have changed, I can't abandon him. I can't betray his trust."

"That may be the point, but here's another. You're letting the man you're in love with believe you hate him. Believe that you don't care. You're pushing him away and it's eventually gunna kill the both of you. From his first day here we all saw it Neela. The way he looks at you, the way he makes it his objective in life to make you happy. You told me he recorded Celebrity Poker for you? Not your normal, doesn't-give-a-toss-roommate does that. From the day you agreed to be his Roommate you have to admit you felt it to. That's when you realised, and that's when you started hiding yourself. Your true self.

"When Michael returned for you, you were too long gone. He could see as well as the rest of us what Ray was willing to do for you, that you were too far fallen to return back to him. But here you are, living your life, day after day. Without him. Does it even hurt you Neela that you don't see your husband everyday? When you get home the person waiting for you is Ray, not Michael? The person who you see when you get up, who you come to work with, go for coffee with, spend nights in with. That's all Ray. Not Michael. When he came back he could see that, and he wanted to make sure you remained his, that's why he proposed. Michael loved you he does love you very, very much, but he was being selfish, not letting you follow your heart, making you stay with him whilst he abandons you here. Is that really fair Neela? Is that really how you plan to live your life, married to a memory of a person you hardly know?"

Why was Abby always right? Ray was more the husband that Michael was; the hole in my life that Michael was meant to be filling was filled with my roommate because my husband had gone off to war. What Abby had said about him, that he had only proposed because he feared mine and Ray's relationship? Okay a little drastic, but suppose it was true. I know Michael loves me dearly, I know that, but maybe it was true, maybe he loves me too much to lose me to somebody else. Thinking about it, it does make perfect sense, kind of.

And of course she was right again when she said I hardly knew him. I don't. He didn't know to record Celebrity Poker. He didn't know I couldn't cook, like Ray well did. He didn't know I wanted to be a surgeon, and most of all, he didn't know me. Ray did. He blew off his band mates for me. He went out of his way to make me dinner, which we never ate. He spent time he had been 'stood up' to record Celebrity Poker and to watch Ghost; he still didn't know I need that. I slept in his t-shirt for god sake.

Ray was the one who comforts me when I can't sleep. Holds my hair when I throw up. Calls in sick for me. Cooks my dinner, buys me coffee, comes up to the roof where he knows I'll be after a hard day. He loves me, and I love him.

"I love him, Abby." I finally admitted allowed, realising Abby had been staring at me all this time expecting a long winded answer. Instead she received three words.

"Why are you telling me? I know that!" She was using her hands again, she was proving her point, she always did. Go Abby. I remember Ray saying that before I pelted a Snowball at him last Christmas. "Go, homewards! Tell the person who it matters to!"

"Thank you Abby!"

"What for?" She asked as I ran towards the door, about to head home.

"Everything."

"Surely you should be thanking Ray for that?" She smirked at me, as I smiled back running from Luka's apartment.

**Please tell me if you like/love/hate it cause as Tesco's say: Every little helps!**


	5. Films and Confusion

I ran, I ran for ten minutes flat, and that was before a taxi came along, I jumped in and made my way home. Even my house with my parents in England was no longer home. England was no longer home. Home was being Ray's Roomie. Home was where my heart truly lied.

I closed my eyes in the back of the taxi and my mind started reeling. What was I going to say? How was I going to explain to Ray what I had just had explained to me by Abby? _Oh God, I can't do this!_ But I knew that I had to. The thing was with talking to Abby she gave me confidence with her in presence, but as soon as I was left on my own to think, all that confidence fizzled away. I couldn't do anything, my mouth was dry, maybe that was from the fact I had just done more exercise than I had since I moved to Chicago, maybe it was nerves, either way, before I spoke to Ray, I needed a drink.

The taxi pulled up to the apartment block, I paid my dollars to the driver and ran into the building. Ray would most likely be doing one of three things. Sleeping in his bed, watching a film, or sleeping on the couch from watching the film.

When I opened the door to the apartment we shared I saw his found sat on the sofa, but his head lolled to the side. The film was still playing, would he ever actually tire of those cheap, crap, horror films? Obvious answer: No.

I approached the sofa, picking up the remote from Ray's hand and turning off the DVD. Why was it when you did that, the previously asleep always woke up and said they were watching it. Which Ray too did at that moment.

"You know, I think you could be an even better Doctor with that x-ray, sleep proof, vision you have Ray." He grumbled something as a reply before I turned to the kitchen part of the main living area and grabbed my glass from earlier and swigged down the rest of the water.

"You wanna know something else?" He didn't answer he just looked at me, which I took as a reply and began, "Abby shouldn't be wasting away in the ER, she should be up in psych."

"And you reached that decision how?"

"I was talking to her, about well, our little situation, and she made everything very, very clear."

"So why haven't you started packing?" He was bitter, very bitter. His reply shocked me initially but I can see why he was being blunt with me, I had given more than enough reason to doubt why I was there.

"You see, that's not it." He raised an eyebrow at me, as I started to approach the sofa. "She made me realise why I was still here. And why I'm not going to leave you."

"You make it sound so dramatic, were not in some hospital television show Neela, life really isn't that complicated."

"Yes it is. I'm married, yes I know that, but to the wrong person." Something of a stunned silence followed that. Ray looking at me like a goldfish, an incredibly adorable goldfish, but a goldfish all the same. It took him about ten seconds to process what I had said.

"I'm sorry?" he was blinking a lot, a habit he had when he was either angry or confused, and right now I'm going to go with the latter.

"You heard me Ray, I married the wrong guy."

"Nee-"

"Please, let me speak." I wasn't going to let him interrupt me now. "Ever since you got here, I knew something was happening. Abby told me you've always had something for me, which I fail to believe, but still." Ray nodded, just nodded but that was all the confirmation I needed. "But Abby also told me something else, or rather made me see it. Like when somebody holds something with big bold black letters on it telling you something. Like that, but a little more obviously. Anyway, she showed me something I was blind too before-"

"Neela, get to the point."

"Sorry, I'm British I can spend all my life skirting around my point, like one of Tony Blair's speeches. Sorry." I apologised again before continuing. "The point is, there is a void in my life. Or there was. A void that Michael was meant to be filling. As my husband it is his place, but he's not in it."

"I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say."

"If you let me finish Barnett you'd find out! Tell me this. Who is it that takes me for coffee? Walks me to work? Calls me in sick? Makes me dinner? Knows that I can't cook? Knows of my fetish for Celebrity Poker?"

He swallowed hard, jaw clenching. "That would be me."

"Yes, gold star for Ray! None of that is Michael! What has he ever done for me? Apart from make me promise to love him 'til death do us part because he could see how in love I was with my roommate. That the only way he could see to keep me was to marry me? That he knew that way I would stay faithful to him. Abby's right Ray. Because the only thing stopping me right now from kissing you; would be the ring on my finger."

He was looking at me, eyes wide. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"He's never done anything for me Ray, you have." No, I'm not stupid, I knew which part he meant, but there was no way I'd be repeating that any time soon.

"No, not that, the other bit, the bit about being 'in love with you roommate' and 'the only thing stopping you' part."

"You seemed to have heard that quite well; I don't think I need to repeat it."

"Oh I think you do." He smiled mischievously at me, seemingly never happier.

"Ray." I seemed to drag out his one syllable name to several.

"Come on, you said it once, you can say it again."

"That was in the flow of telling you off for interrupting me."

"That's bull Neela and you know it."

"Did I ever mention another British trait is being stubborn?"

"That, and being exceedingly good at queuing."

"I'm serious."

"So am I!" he stood up and started to approach me, he was so much taller than me, I felt dwarfed by him, I felt dwarfed by Abby… "How about I help you, if I say it first?"

"It doesn't work like that."

"Does for me." He smiled, now as close a he had been before the Trauma Conference, but this time he wasn't cleaning my shirt, but he was still staring at me. Well, not staring, looking deeply, and lovingly into my eyes. Oh the romance novelists are calling for the story now. "I love you, Neela." Yep, defiantly calling the novelists, "I always have, ever since I saw you with Abby on my first day, I loved you."

I laughed slightly, smiling at him, "Then I suppose, on your first day, I thought you were a freak, in a shirt and tie, impressive, suck-up, but also very freaky and scary, especially looking back. But from the day you came in, as you, the jewellery, the fingernails, the tattoo, the hair, the whole package that is Ray Barnett. The Ray Barnett that I saw change, since he became a doctor. That I grew to respect, both as a colleague, and as a friend. What really made me love you, not that I didn't before, was the way you handled the collapse of that building when you were at the party. I heard you checked 25 patients in eight minutes, and that's, that's impressive."

"That was nothing."

"Right. You stayed even though it wasn't your shift to work, to see your friends through. It's a friend that comes in once a week, with grapes and a magazine, but an amazing friend that saves your life and then some. You went all out and I love that about you, Ray. You're the person who is there for me when I'm sick, who picks me up when I fall, you mean the world to me, and I could never see myself living without you. But…" what could I say? I loved him, he knew that, but there was still Michael, alive and kicking somewhere on this planet.

"But?" He was being so tolerate of me, trying to get the answers, but not pushing, but willing me on, supportive.

"Michael's still out there, and I am still married. It was a mistake, I don't know Michael, and he doesn't know me. Nobody, not even Abby, knows me as well as you do, I know that now. But until such times as I have had the chance to tell Michael it's over, that I'm not a soldier's wife. Until that time, you have got to understand nothing can happen between us Ray."

"I know, and I would never ask you for it. You are too good for that." He smiled, his hand on my cheek rubbing away the invisible tears that I wanted to cry. "Dr Neela Rasgotra, beautiful, loving, loyal, and the most intelligent person I have ever met, and the only human I have ever loved. I know you can't do that, you may not love him now, but you must have once, and that sort of emotion never goes away."

"Oh god."

"What?"

"The man I have just poured my heart out too used to love his pet." Ray 'Huh?'-ed at me, shaking his head minimally, "If I'm the only human you've ever loved, such a charmer by the way, it means you have to have loved a pet."

Ray laughed, what else could he do, it was pretty funny. "I mean what I said, I love you, Neela."

"And I love you Ray. But until such times as I talk to Michael, nothing, or well, nothing major, can happen between us."

"I can understand that." Ray smiled, leaning in slightly, Neela going onto her toes, kissing him gently. This was as far as it would go, but one day it would go a lot further and they both knew it would.


	6. An Ending and a New Begining

**Another Fic completely, yet me! I hope this one doesn't disappoint. It was getting awfully like my other fic, Love Will Find A Way, so I decided instead sticking the series I'd change it a little, woooo!**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy, and lovingly beta'd by Maz this time ******

**Chapter Six**

We arrived in the ER the next morning, laughing and joking about. Not usually how we arrived at seven in the morning, but we were like it all the same. Last night had been a revelation in itself, but it all had to be hidden away now we were though these doors. Jerry, Morris and Frank stood behind admit and each gave us an odd sort of look, that told us they thought something was going on.

"_I bet you $40 that they got it together, at last," Jerry started._

"_I meet that and raise you $20 that they slept together," Morris put in, standing behind the desk next to Jerry._

_Frank stepped forward from where he had watched them enter and inputted a final, "I raise you $40 that she's pregnant and he declared his undying love for her, and they'll live happily ever after."_

"You're on!" Morris agreed, shaking on the final deals they had made. One of them was about to get very rich, or very poor.

"And I'd raise you all $100, that I'll fire your asses if you don't all get back to work!" Kerry Weaver wasn't often in the ER, but today was the day she had chosen to make her monthly appearance, the day she caught the gossip queens at work. "Now get to it! Morris your Diabetic in Exam Three needs insulin, now! Frank, page Kovac, we need him, Susan called in sick. And Jerry, find something useful to do!"

_As Weaver disappeared, Morris decided on inputting one final thing, "Roommates with Benefits." He then made his way to the leisure of Kerry Weaver to Exam Three._

We walked into the lounge and deposited our coats into our respective lockers, chattering like usual about the burst water pipes and the lack of warm water at 6am. The type of conversation we would grasp as normal for us anyway, the whole fact that we completely went over the 'Roommate' thing last night seemed very much ignored.

Nothing really happened, apart from the admittance of feelings, and a few sweet kisses. But all the same we were well past the 'Roommate' mark, and we would never go back. I don't think we were ever really just roommates, we always hid from what we were really thinking, according to Abby we did anyway and I can understand what she was saying.

"Neela call for you," Frank said sticking his head in the door. Any excuse, it seemed, for them to get the update on what Ray and I weren't doing at any given moment.

"Okay, I'll be right there Frank thanks." I smiled and closed my locker. "I better go get that, I'll see you later Ray." I turned my smile towards him and left. Making my way to the Admit Desk, Frank and Jerry were watching me with every interest, "What?" they turned away and left me to my phone call.

"Hello? Neela?" I heard the familiar voice of my husband on the other end of the line, _Bollocks._

"Michael? How are you?" I forced a fake laugh and smile, trying my best to act naturally.

"Jet-lacked, I'll be with you in the ER in about thirty minutes."

"You never told me you were coming home!" In honest surprise, this wasn't good, yes it gave me the perfect chance to tell him it was over, and tell him everything I had told Abby last night. And Ray for that matter.

"I wanted to surprise you. But I hadn't spoken to you in a few weeks so I thought I would call." He sounded genuinely happy to be home. The thing was I wasn't happy to have him home. Having him home meant not having the easy option out, sending him a letter saying it was over. This meant I had to face up to it on my own.

"Okay, well there's a trauma just pulling in, so I better go help, but I'll see you soon okay?" Neela didn't give him a chance to respond, "Bye." She hung up and made her way to the ambulance bay thankful for the distraction.

888

"Michael's home." I told Abby. We were waiting for the ambulance to make it in, I hadn't lied to Michael, I just bent the truth, the ambulance was still a few minutes out but people were getting ready to take it in.

"You don't sound happy about it," she stated, was it that obvious? I suppose it really was.

"Ray and I were just getting on the right track, now he shows up, I feel guilty enough as it is," Neela said looking up at the graying sky, a complete replica of her ever fouling mood.

"But this does give you a perfect opportunity to make it completely right with each other. You can tell him its over, he can go back after his leave and it's done."

"I know, but it just isn't that easy. I'm gunna have to get Ray out of the apartment for a while. I'll tell him he has to 'go to a gig' or something. Michael won't know he isn't part of the band anymore. And it gives me a few hours to break it off with him."

"You sound like you have it planned; now you just need to follow that plan." Abby smiled as the ambulance finally arrived after three minutes stood in the cold air.

888

The trauma was surprising easy and quick, he didn't need much stabilizing to get him up and out to surgery. Abby made sure she left the room with the trauma, Ray being there as well; he stayed with me and smiled.

"Ray, Michael's back. Or in about ten minutes he will be."

His demeanour changed almost instantly. "What?" He asked quickly, the smile wiping from his face, "What are you going to say to him?"

"I'm telling him today it's over, I have no choice, and I'm not letting him think it's all alright when I don't want to be with him anymore."

"Okay, you want me out, or at the apartment with you?" Ray asked, he didn't mind either way, but I know he wanted to be there if I needed him

"Make up some excuse if you can, I'll offer to cook for him, then you can have perfect excuse to run for the hills, he won't know why, until he even tries my cooking." Ray laughed, and I smiled, "Yes, I know my cooking is that bad." I approached Ray tentatively and raised my hand to his face, "You won't have to wait for long okay?"

"Okay." He smiled and quickly bent down, capturing my lips not for a second before leaving the trauma room.

888

"Mike!" Pratt exclaimed as his friend entered the ER. "What are you doing here man? Neela never said you were coming."

"She didn't know and a trauma came in before she could tell anyone when she found out thirty minutes ago." Michael smiled at his friend, dropping his pack to the floor in front of the admit desk, making his way behind to give his best friend a hug. "How've you been, man?"

"Not bad, not bad. You know how it can get around here. Let me page Neela."

Before Pratt had the chance I appeared, "Michael!" I cried walking up briskly and hugging him quickly, "It's so good to see you." At that moment Ray appeared from Curtain Three and walked behind the Admit Desk. I noticed Pratt give him a warning look, as if he didn't want him there, but Ray continued to walk up to me.

"Hey Gallant. Roomie never told me you were coming home." Michael raised his eyebrows at the use of my 'nickname' _Roomie? What happened to her moving out?_

"Yeah, I never told her I was coming until I was in the city." Michael faked a smile and offered out his hand, "Nice to see you." He lied, shaking my, his wife's, still roommate's hand.

"You too man."

"I was thinking of cooking dinner for you this evening Michael. Ray you want to join us?" Letting out a small snort of a laugh Ray shook his head quick; _I should get an Oscar for this._

"No thanks Roomie. After those cookies the other day and my almost need of a stomach pump, I'll think I'll pass on a whole meal you've cooked yourself." I playfully hit him around the shoulder. "I'm meeting up with the guy later anyway, so you'll have the apartment to yourself. Later Roomie, Michael." He gave a half-hearted nod and walked back to his patient in Curtain Three.

"Looks like it's just us then Michael." I smiled forcibly before looking at Pratt, "Is it alright if I go now, I've got no more charts or anything, and I would be finishing in thirty minutes anyway."

"Yeah sure, go, I'll just tell Luka, well, the truth. I'm sure he'll understand. He'd be the same if it was Abby, or Abby was you and it was him returning, you get what I'm saying." I looked at him slightly bewildered but shrugged it off anyway.

"I'll go grab my coat and I'll be with you in a moment." I smiled once more disappearing towards the lounge, just as I saw Ray do the same.

"That good enough for you?" He asked a little upset about the situation.

"Thank-you Ray. You know it will be worth it in the end right?" I tried to reason with him, opening my locker and throwing my lab coat in before grabbing at my other coat and putting it over my arm. "Come home at nine or around then, because if he doesn't get it by then I'll need you okay?" Ray nodded in approval of my plan.

"I'll see you in four hours okay?" He smiled once more and I left him standing by the coffee machine.

888

"I don't understand Neela. I really don't understand where this is all coming from?" He was getting angry with me, I had explained myself about three times now, and this was to be the fourth.

"When you left, when you told me you were leaving you know I wasn't happy about it, you going back there. I can't live like this. You're here for, what was it, two days you said. A marriage isn't supposed to be built on an idea in my head; I would like to see my husband more than a week a year. I just don't think it's going to work. I'm not happy and I want a divorce." I nearly shouted the end. I couldn't help it, what couldn't he understand? It was nearing nine and Ray would be back soon. I hope he came back a little early; I needed him to help me explain.

Just as I wished it, I heard his key in the door. Michael and I were standing either side of the table and it was obvious we had been shouting. I looked to the door immediately, a huge wave of relief washing over me. As Ray entered he looked straight to me, and it was only then I realized I had been crying. He rushed to my side, wiping my cheeks with his thumb.

"Oh, now I get it." Michael spat bitterly. "You cheating bitch!"

"Hey!" Ray shouted straight away. "I'll have you know, she never once cheated on you. That's why she's trying to break up with you, you moron!" Ray was advancing on Michael and I prayed to God that he didn't turn around and hit him. "She doesn't love you anymore Michael. You left her on her own, is it any wonder she turned to somebody who has always been here for her? Where were you when she broke down and quit medicine, oh that's right a few thousand miles aw-"

Punch. "MICHAEL!" I shouted, running over to the other side of the table where they stood and having heard that punch loud and clear I was surprised Ray was still standing, but I suppose he knew how to stand his own. "Ray, are you alright?"

"Neela I'm fine, it's just a bit of blood." Ray let out a smile wiping his split lip with the back of his hand. "Get out of our apartment. And don't even think about coming back here, she doesn't love you anymore Michael, and when you act like that it's not hard to see why. If you honestly cared like you say you do then you would never have fucked off to war! You would have stayed! But no, instead of choosing love, you chose glory; you chose to put yourself at risk of never coming back over spending the rest of your life with the woman _I_ love! You have no idea how hard it was to watch you marry her! NO IDEA! Tomorrow afternoon we'll meet you at the lawyers, and you will sign those papers and you will leave Chicago knowing you did right by her. But don't even think of laying a hand on her, or on me for that matter. Now get the hell out of our home!"

Ray turned back to me, and offered his hand to hold, which I soon took up and stood by his side. "You heard what he said, Michael. Get out."

With that he left, without a fuss, I really didn't care what he did to be quite frank; I had a Ray to patch up. Right now that was all I cared about, I didn't care for the fact that my soon to ex-husband could be out somewhere getting exceedingly drunk, I didn't care that he could be with Pratt setting the senior resident against us for the rest of our doctoring careers all I cared about was the guy stood in front of me, a little bit of a bloody mess to be quite truthful.

"I'd kiss you but I'm sure even you're blood doesn't taste that great. Come on let's get you cleaned up." I smiled up at him, as he laughed at my comment, pulling at his hand and leading him to the bathroom. I ran the tap over the flannel I had found abandoned on the same of the sink, and gently padded the wet cloth at his lip. He winced a few times, only causing me to laugh, "Wuss." I said lovingly pulling at the toilet paper to dry around the wound. "There we go."

"Kiss it better?" he asked, as if he even had to. He was sat on the closed toilet to even though I didn't really tower above him; I leant down and kissed him softly. Slowly he stood, almost taking control, and raised his hand to play with my hair. It had been up in a bun, but during the evening had come down slightly and now he pulled it out of the band completely.

I felt his tongue run over my lip and as if automatic my lips parted, allowing his tongue full access. My hands were at his shoulders pulling myself closer and up towards him, as if I didn't need anything else. At that moment though, I didn't.

"Neela?" I heard Ray say quietly, hushed by my own lips. "Neela?" he pulled away from me, but I knew it wasn't a bad thing.

"Yeah?" I asked, looking him straight in the eye and smiling broadly, more so than I have managed before.

"Not tonight." I looked at him quizzically, _Not tonight?_ "Let's go watch Ghost-"

"I KNEW IT!"

"And just take it slowly. Okay?" ignoring the fact that I had interrupted him he whisked me away to the living area, sat me on the couch, grabbing two beers, and turned the television and DVD player on. It didn't surprise me that Ghost was still in the player, but it made me smile all the same as Ray settled down beside me, pressing the select button once the menu had loaded.

"To us." I toasted holding out my beer.

"To my Roomie." He smiled, clinking his beer bottle against mine and we both took a sip. Like I had done a few weeks ago, I laid my head down on his shoulder and settled into the film in front of me. This time, he wasn't even hesitant about resting his head on mine, and kissing the top of my head before tucking his arm around my shoulders taking my smaller form into him.

"Ray?" I said quietly looking up at him slightly.

"Yeah?" He looked down at me, however awkward it was for him.

"I," I paused, was it too soon to be saying this? Who was I kidding; I had said it before to him last night. "I love you."

He smiled down at me, capturing my lips quickly; it looked as if it would have been hard and uncomfortable. "I love you too." _Roomie._

**Please tell me what you think, I love getting all feedback!**


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